Meaningless
by Sheena Is A Punk Rocker
Summary: Ha ha ha, it was totally meaningless." Olaf has made some horrible decisions. But it was all because of her. Mentions of Kit/Olaf. Angsty. Rated for mentions of murder, mild cussing, and general dark themes.


_Meaningless?  
You mean it's all been meaningless?  
Every whisper and caress?  
Yes yes yes it was totally meaningless_

He was shocked, to say the least, when she broke up with him.

"I'm sorry, Olaf, but this just… isn't working out anymore." She did it in the library, of all places, and just left.

He sat there in his armchair in the back amongst all the dusty tomes, wondering just where it had all gone wrong.

Totally meaningless. Every second had been totally meaningless.

_Meaningless  
like when two fireflies fluoresce  
Just like everything I guess  
Less less yes it was utterly meaningless_

He kept to himself before she came into his life, and now that she was gone, he saw it as an excuse to keep even more to himself. It gave him a chance to do a bit of self-reflection and he often found himself sitting at the mouth of one of the many caves surrounding the headquarters. It was just him, a bottle of wine, and those stupid fireflies that came out at night.

She was always going on about how incredibly "beautiful" nature was. Now he found it utterly repulsive. He watched the fireflies glowing in the midnight blue night sky and now he felt a burning rage that would not leave him.

Meaningless. That was what their whole relationship had been. Utterly meaningless.

He sighed and took another swig of alcohol.

_Even less  
_

_A little glimpse of nothingness_

_sucking meaning from the_

_rest of this mess  
Yes yes yes it was thoroughly meaningless_

He _really_ turned to alcohol for solace after that. He was very rarely seen without a bottle of wine in his possession and Esme, the damn bitch, didn't hesitate to tell him that he reeked of the stuff.

It didn't help when he found out she was pregnant with that damn sub-sub librarian's child. He wasn't an idiot, as most people assumed. He knew about Dewey Denouement; after all, they were in codes class together along with that other Snicket fool.

He absolutely despised children, but he couldn't help but feel, with a pang in his heart, that if she was having _his_ child, he would love it unconditionally.

_And if some dim bulb should say  
We were in love in some way  
Kick all his teeth in for me  
And if you feel like keeping on kicking  
Feel free_

Fernald, the damn fool, once told him, "Hey boss. Remember that time when Kit Sn-" He was cut off by a hand grabbing him by the collar.

"Don't," Olaf snarled, "Mention that name to me _again_! Do I make myself clear?"

That was the last mention of Kit Snicket in his life ever again, until those damn Baudelaire brats came into his life.

_Meaningless  
Who dare say it wasn't meaningless?  
Shout from the rooftops  
and address the press  
Ha ha ha it was totally meaningless_

She denied it when he asked.

"No, of course not, Olaf. It wasn't meaningless. Not at all. It just… wasn't working out."

In other words, she had been cheating with that damn librarian. He just knew it.

Years went by and slowly but surely, he found that he could think about her and not punch whatever was closest in proximity to his fist (it was usually Fernald's face).

It was at this time, when he decided to extract his revenge. Yes, that's what he would do. Make her life a living hell, and get rich in the process with the enormous fortunes he would steal.

He took another swig of the bottle of wine in his hand and laughed menacingly as he thought about what he would do. Step one; make her "dear baby brother's" life a living hell.

_Meaningless  
Meaning less than a game of chess  
Just like your mother said  
and mother knows best  
I knew it all the time but now I confess_

The damn Snicket fool deserved every second of the torture he was put through. Olaf was sure that he had helped in the murder of his parents that night of the opera. And if even if he didn't, he was never quiet with his disapproval of his sister's choice in a boyfriend.

He felt no regrets as he dressed up in the writer's signature suit and hat and burned down the most important VFD library in the whole world. The rest of the libraries held important documents, yes, but this one held the most and many were irreplaceable.

_  
Yes yes yes deliciously meaningless_

Step two; get rid of the damn Baudelaires. Beatrice had killed his parents, after all. After that he took her children from their home and made their lives a living hell just as his had been.

It was simple really; burn the damn house down and forge a will that placed the Baudelaire brats in his care. He had been the best student in the forgery class at the VFD academy. This along with his knack for anagrams allowed him to get away with just about anything.

He just didn't expect to be reminded of Kit when he finally had the damn orphans in his clutches.

_  
Yes yes yes effervescently meaningless_

He wasn't actually after the famous Baudelaire fortune… at first. He was set out to make Kit Snicket feel as he did by torturing everyone she ever loved. The fortune though, became a nice distraction. Why should he _not_ want to get rich? His parents hadn't left _him_ with any fortune.

_  
Yes yes yes it was beautifully meaningless_

Next came Monty. Stupid Montgomery Montgomery. He should have recognized Olaf. He was his herpetology student, after all, at the academy. But no, the only students he remembered were the Snicket siblings. Them and Beatrice. It was always about those four.

_  
Yes yes yes it was profoundly meaningless_

After Monty was Josephine. He felt no regrets as he threatened her and then threw her to the leeches. He was glad to be rid of the damn women. Her fears were bound to catch up to her anyway.

No, killing Josephine was not part of the plan, but she deserved it.

_  
Yes yes yes definitively meaningless_

After numerous fires and sinking further into alcoholism, he did the worst. He killed Jacques Snicket. Not her "darling baby brother" but her older brother. The protector of the family.

He remembered staring at his dead body after the poison was injected into his veins. That was the first time he had ever stared into the face of someone he had killed. Even with Monty, he had walked away before he had to look at the body.

_  
Yes yes yes comprehensively meaningless_

The destruction of that stupid carnival was absolutely necessary. He didn't think about the fact that LuLu was among one of the few people he could call a (and he shudders at the thought) _friend_. Or something close to that anyway. She knew what was coming when she agreed to the lion attraction.

He said these things in order to move on. Otherwise he would still be stuck in the past, agonizing over the fact that he murdered Jacques Snicket, which hadn't originally been part of the plan. No, he couldn't dwell on the past, he couldn't. But he knew, in the deep recesses of his mind, the past was bound to catch up to him.

_  
Yes yes yes magnificently meaningless_

He had pretty much abandoned his plot of revenge to pursue his new obsession with getting the Baudelaire fortune and then later, the famous Quagmire sapphires.

But everything came back the night Dewey Denouement was killed.

No one, least of all him, is still really sure what happened to the sub-sub. One minute the harpoon gun was in his hands and next it had gone off.

He felt just the tiniest amount of guilt as he watched Dewey stumble outside, clutching his chest in agony. The Baudelaire's think they're the only ones that heard what his last word was. But he heard. It was a mere whisper, a tiny reminder of Olaf's own anguish. _"Kit."_

_  
Yes yes yes how incredibly meaningless_

The past finally caught up to him, when he realized that Kit was on the island. He remembered what started this whole mess. The one person he ever actually _loved_ broke his heart. She shattered it into a million pieces and fell in love with another man.

But despite his heartache from the past, he rushed to help her when he realized she needed it. Even after everything she put him through, he couldn't let her go.

He was bleeding profusely from the last harpoon hitting him in the stomach and he knew he would die soon. But before he did, he had to do one last thing.

He kissed her gently. "I told you I would do that one last time." He didn't expect her forgiveness, not after everything he'd done.

She didn't. She called him an evil man and it was like rubbing salt in the wound. He hadn't expected her to say _that_.

But that was all he could hope for. Despite his efforts, he was still meaningless to her.

_  
Yes yes yes unprecedentedly meaningless_

* * *

**A/N**: Well this is surprising, to say the least. Olaf and Kit are my two least favorite characters but this idea would NOT leave me alone! I blame the Magnetic Fields for that. Haha. Anyhoo, the song is called "Meaningless" and it's written by the amazing Stephen Merritt of the Magnetic Fields. =] The song is absolutely amazing and you guys should totally check it out! Hope you liked the fic. Review!!!

**Disclaimer**: Daniel Handler is the genius here. I just aspire to be like him one day. =] And the other genius is Stephen Merritt!


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